By Asif Mohammed Khan
As Attila and the Hun army approach Rome, the bumbling Pope Leo must rely on his self-serving cardinals or pray that the angels Peter and Paul can whip up some much-needed divine intervention.
Feature-length Movie | Comedy
Think of Veep
meets Kingdom of Heaven.
Synopsis
It’s all in the Lord’s hands now, except for that very big sword.
Based on a true story, in 452 AD, which some suspiciously burly and aggressive historians call the peak of human civilization, the Hun army is ravaging central Europe, led by the greatest warrior-leader to ever live, Attila. Nearing the end of his illustrious career as a warlord, Attila is searching for not just another victory, but the battle that will define himself and his legacy. With the advice and support of his generals and daughter, he sets his sights on the head of the European snake, Rome. While Attila marches with a horde of war-mongering Huns, at the very back of the army, right next to the latrines, are Ruga and Bleda. Along for the ride, Ruga and Bleda are not only struggling with the literal battles the Huns face, they are also losing an existential battle with what it means to be a Hun alive and happy in 452 AD.
Meanwhile, Rome and Christendom are left in the charge of Pope Leo the Great, a saggy and spoilt aristocrat more concerned with the quality of his bath salts than with his holy or political duties. Leo, ever the delegator, leaves his decisions to his trusted council, made up of often drunken, sometimes pious, and always self-serving cardinals. With the Papal armies stranded in Spain, Leo decides that his best defense against the Huns is his charm, which fails to stretch as long as his liver-spotted scrotum. Leo will meet the warlord Attila and explain to him the error in his conquering ways. As this tactic seems less than brilliant, will anyone be able to save Rome and Christendom as we know it?
Who better to look after Rome than the Archangels Peter and Paul. Peter and Paul are skating on thin ice in Heaven at the moment as they failed to prevent the destruction of Abyssinia. The duo exist as middle management in the corporate hellscape that is Heaven. They are trying their best to maintain their station and not get knocked down to the dark ages like Junia The Lost Apostle (she wasn’t so lost before management got a hold of her expenditures). With their quarterly review coming up, the pair realize that they must rise above the monotony of office life and help guide Attila and Leo on their divine path.
When Attila and his Huns meet Leo and his cardinals to parlay, it seems inevitable that battle will ensue, that the Huns will dismantle the Roman Empire in an easy victory, with both Leo and Attila each losing their legacy. Inevitable, without canonical and divine intervention from Peter and Paul, two of Heaven’s okay-est, who will literally kidnap Leo and Attila out of their dimension in order to see their path. At this crucial moment, will Peter and Paul succeed in saving Rome and history? Or will this be the last chapter in the long book of their fuck-ups?
Script
Bible